Looking back... not so long ago

I have another (personal) blog that I used to update often. Kinda like a personal journal that I kept online. It was a place I kept all my feelings about my struggles with trying to concieve another baby. I havent written there or even looked at it for a while. I thought I would share one of the last entries I made.

Thursday September 24, 2009
Wow I havent written here for quite a while but here I am. Things have been so hard for me lately. I find myself in tears at the drop of a hat. I have been so emotional and I have a really hard time controlling it. I am feeling so many different emotions. Despair. hopeless. Sad. Empty. Occasionally hopeful. Loss. Failure. Pesimism. Dissappointment. I truly feel like I am failing so many people, my husband and my sweet son who both want a baby as badly as I do, and my parents who would love another grandbaby. 

I continue to live my life and enjoy the things that I enjoy, mostly my amazing family, but the thought of a baby is never far from my mind. I think about it constantly. I am so happy with my life and with Jared and Grant and I am so blessed and thankful for the many blessings that I do have in my life, but I also feel like I am living in my own personal hell on a daily basis. Does that even make any sense??? I am so incredibly happy and at the same time I am so down and depressed.
I just know there is something (or someone) missing.
 
January 23, 2010 was when we found out that I was pregnant. Finally all our prayers had been answered. I sobbed and sobbed. I shook and checked the test again and again. I actually took two tests, just to make sure. I was absolutely elated. I cant even describe that feeling. It was euphoric. All through my pregnancy I would tell myself when the baby arrives I think it will finally sink in. But I will let you in on a little secret, I still have to pinch myself. I feel like I am living in a dream! And if it is a dream, I never ever want to wake up! I love my three boys soooo much and I am such a very happy wife and mommy!!! Life is GOOD!!!